We attach to others in our adult lives typically according to an attachment style we developed during childhood. Our parents and the way they interact with us as very young children create a model for what we expect in relationships and in the world. This means that if you had a parent who was emotionally healthy, loving, and available in a consistent manner, you would likely have a secure attachment style. With a secure attachment style, you feel that people are going to generally be available when you need them and believe that they can respond to your needs, and you can set and respect boundaries. You will generally have a positive view of yourself and others, and you may be better at responding to your partner’s cues and needs in adulthood.

If you had a caregiver who was inconsistent, unreliable, or even abusive you are more likely to develop an insecure attachment style. These typically fall into avoidant attachment, preoccupied/anxious attachment, or more rarely, disorganized attachment (this style will be covered in a separate blog). The two most common attachment styles, apart from secure attachment, are avoidant and preoccupied styles, which will be discussed here.

In adulthood, an avoidant attachment style can look like a person who experiences an argument in their marriage and may shut down, withdraw, or disconnect emotionally during distressing times. This is a strategy from their childhood that has followed them into adulthood and now shows up with friends and significant others. With an avoidant attachment style, a person attempts to manage or reduce relational hurt/anxiety in a romantic relationship by moving away from their partner emotionally. This often prevents them from being able to engage with their partner in a needed and healthy manner. They may have difficulty communicating their deep feelings or hearing their partner’s feelings and responses.

Partners with a preoccupied attachment style typically appear healthier in relationships at first. This will often look like a partner who wants to talk out issues right away after a conflict or disagreement. When a preoccupied partner experiences distress, the way they manage it is to hyperactivate their attachment by moving toward the other partner, sometimes excessively. This is a way to reduce or manage their feelings of relational hurt/anxiety and this often prevents the preoccupied partner from allowing their partner to have needed space in a conflict.

It is very common for those with avoidant and preoccupied attachments to get into a relationship with each other and to have conflict due to the different ways each person is trying to get their needs met and to protect themselves from hurt. Understanding your attachment style and where it comes from in your early life is a part of doing the healing work in therapy. Good therapy can give you a new relational experience over time, which can enable you to heal and move toward what is called an “earned secure” attachment. This shift is deeper and takes time but is worth the time and investment. Moving toward secure attachment can change the course of your life, relationships, and marriage.