How does a person’s attachment style show up when they are attempting to date and meet a partner? I often explain to my clients that attachment-based attraction is usually an unconscious process. This means that if a person has not yet been able to reflect on their attachment, understand it, and do healing work, then they will often end up with a person who might reopen attachment wounds.

For example, let’s say Princess Wonderella had a stepmother who was inconsistently emotionally available in her childhood, and she begins dating Prince Darling. Prince Darling appears available, and very charming at first but then starts to shut down and stop communicating during conflict, hiding in a far wing of the castle due to his avoidant attachment style. Wonderella (who has a preoccupied attachment style) is confused because Prince Darling seemed so wonderful, pursuing her endlessly at first. She was trying hard to find a partner who was different than her stepmother, someone who could be available and responsive. Wonderella’s deep beliefs from her childhood result in her feeling unlovable or unworthy in some way, and now she has chosen a partner who interacts in a way that appears to confirm this belief. This is often what happens when someone with an insecure attachment style starts dating. They tend to date partners who confirm negative beliefs that are a result of early insecure attachment. This is a frustrating cycle that many people are stuck in and cannot seem to understand why they keep ending up with unavailable partners or partners that seem needy or intrusive just like one of their parents.

Using a different example, let’s say Princess Fasmine had a father who could be critical and harsh at times, resulting in the development of an avoidant attachment style. Fasmine then goes on to date Prince Ala, who seems secure in himself initially, but later begs for her to spend all of her free time with him. Fasmine starts to feel less interested in him and begins to avoid his efforts to talk to her. Due to Fasmine’s childhood, she developed beliefs that anyone who is interested in her and loves her must have something wrong with them (because her father was not very loving while under the influence of one of his advisors), and so she becomes less and less interested in men that are interested in her. As Fasmine pulls away, Ala makes frantic efforts to contact her, even coming to her window on a magic rug when she is angry at him, only driving her further away. In this example Fasmine’s avoidant attachment results in her having a desire to maintain distance and independence which comes into conflict with someone who appears to be moving toward her relationally. Hence, Ala finds himself feeling desperately sad and wants to increase his efforts to contact Fasmine as she pulls further away. This is a frustrating cycle that can happen in real relationships and cause unnecessary pain and hardship as well as replication of negative beliefs about the self and relationships.

So how can they live happily ever after you ask? Well, if all the Princes and Princesses would just go to therapy to increase relational security in themselves, they would learn how to be more available and less needy with their partners. This would enable them to respond to a need when it is there as well as to give space when space is needed. It is important for anyone struggling with insecure attachment not to lose hope. These patterns are something that can change. Deep patterns take more time to change, but it is worth doing the work as the change is often a permanent and life-changing one.